Dear Little Red,
I was blessed to carry you for 7.5 weeks.
I fell so in love with you the moment I knew you existed and I’m so excited that we had you… if even for just a little while.
You’ve given us the greatest gift…
You made the most amazing man a Daddy and showed me the kind of Father he’s going to hopefully be to the next Little Red in our lives. You reminded me what it feels like to be a Mommy… to feel that intense love and sense of protection.
But most importantly, you’ve given us hope… a small beacon of light where we previously thought there would never be. We know now that having children together is possible and that one day we’ll hopefully be able to love and hold the next baby we’re blessed with.
Being your Mommy… if even for a little while has been such an honor.
We love you so much….
Mommy & Daddy
We physically lost our baby today.
I was up very late. Jeremy was snoring so I couldn’t stay asleep. I decided to go to my office, watch Netflix, and paint my nails – typical for me on nights like this one. It was just a little past 4am when it happened and it all started with a sneeze.
Keep in mind, I’ve been bleeding moderately for weeks now, so I didn’t think much of it when I sneezed and felt a small trickle of blood come out. I continued to sit in my office for another 10 minutes waiting for my nails to try before going to the bathroom to assess.
Stage 1: The miscarriage started
I knew something bad was happening the moment I stood up. I quickly made my way to the nearest bathroom to my office, which happened to be the upstairs guest bathroom. Little did I know that I would spend the next 2 hours unable to leave.
I wasn’t in any pain. I’d had a few small cramps on and off all weekend, but nothing bad. Being that I have PCOS, I have a high pain tolerance from much, much worse cramps than anything I was experiencing.
After some time alone in the bathroom, I had to call Jeremy’s phone to ask him to bring me more toilet paper. Once he knew I was in the middle of physically losing Little Red, he asked me if I wanted him to stay just outside the bathroom door. I immediately started crying because I didn’t want to be alone.
Since I was absolutely sure that I was miscarrying, I asked Jeremy to bring me “the hardcore Naproxen” as I like to call it – the last few 550mg Naproxen I was prescribed in April when I was bleeding so heavily and couldn’t stop. I figured I might want to get ahead of any possible cramping, and that the Naproxen would help me manage the bleeding.
Stage 2: Goodbye Little Red
I got to a point where I was so exhausted… between already being tired from being up far too late and now spending hours sitting on an uncomfortable toilet trying desperately to keep up with the passing of our unborn child… I just wanted to sleep. After determining that I was allowed to sit in a warm bath, I hashed out a plan to make my way to the Master bathroom where we have a bigger tub.
Jeremy brought me a towel and I wrapped it between my legs like a diaper and made my way to the other bathroom, drew a warm bath and laid back. I was asleep within minutes.
I spent the first 90 minutes in the tub passed out, slowly bleeding out into the water (it sounds gross, but it actually wasn’t that bad). I felt a lot better when I woke up. As I sat up, I felt a strange sensation.
I’d already passed a lot of tissue, but relaxing in the tub helped me pass the worst of it… what I am pretty sure was actually our baby. It was a heartbreaking moment for me. I’ve been so worried about the idea of flushing our baby down the toilet, I never considered the idea that I might actually see it… might actually hold it in my hands.
I set it aside. I want to plant some flowers in our yard and bury Little Red under them. I have no idea if this is weird or not. I just can’t stand the idea of just throwing him away like he’s garbage.
Stage 3: Sleeping
I have been exhausted all day. I spent most of it sleeping. Much to my surprise, the bleeding since has been manageable – only as bad as the bleeding was before the miscarriage began. The cramping has been tolerable, although I have had a few little zingers.
Jeremy has been truly amazing. He would tell you otherwise… that this is to be expected… but seriously, I’d have never expected him to care this much. I think most men wouldn’t… because empathy is hard and this situation is a difficult one to empathize with. He took care of me in a way I never expected anyone to ever take care of me… in a way I didn’t know I needed.
After everything, he took care of the house including keeping tabs on our dog (who can be a handful). He made a trip to the store to buy some regular strength Naproxen for the long haul, and a bag of Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms for me. He just let me sleep and have time to myself.
I don’t know where I am in the grieving process. I think I’ve known in my heart for a while now – at least since Thursday, June 14th. So, it’s had a while to sink in. Being in limbo has been the hardest part. Being pretty sure we were losing Little Red, but hoping we were wrong has been difficult.
I almost feel a sense of closure now that I know it’s over. I’m no longer pregnant.
I have an appointment (NOT with Dr. Accetta!) scheduled for July 11th with the plan in mind to have them make sure that the miscarriage naturally completed itself and to otherwise get some recommendations for what to do next. I have a feeling that they will recommend the D&C regardless, just to be totally sure everything is cleared out. I also suspect they will want to put me on birth control for a few months to help me regulate my periods again.
It’s my hope that this isn’t the end, but merely the beginning of a new journey in which we try to conceive the next Little Red.
I take solace in us getting pregnant at all. After trying for 4 years, we were convinced that we wouldn’t have children together.
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